I haven’t blogged anything in a while. Life has been crazy busy, just how we like it. So much travel this year. I don’t think I’ve traveled this much in my entire life in one particular year as much as I have in 2024, mostly for work but some for fun too. And, I’m so grateful. Because if it were up to me, I’d travel even more for work. Sometimes it’s nice to slow down though and that is exactly where I’m at right now. I’m glad to have some down time. I shoot the first newborn session of 2025 next week and have a baby with a due date next week that I’m waiting on. But, tomorrow I’m headed to Denver to spend some much needed time with my sister and one of my besties!

I’m not even sure how to start to write this blog, but I feel it needs to be written. I want to send out a heads up to those families that are sensitive to infant loss or pregnancy loss. This blog includes both of those two hard topics as well as images. I do have permission to tell this story from the family it is about.

Like I said, I truly am not sure where to begin other than with how much this family means to me. In this profession you meet tons of people. You capture their personal special moments and you eventually end up friends with quite a few clients as if you’d known them all your life. They become family. Some of these clients I get to be with in their most private, life changing moments. I am invited into their labor suite to capture the birth of their child/children. It doesn’t really get any more personal than that. That is how I came to meet this family. The Cook family.

I’ve photographed so many different sessions for them. Maternity, homecomings, milestones, family, and birth stories. My youngest daughter and Alek share a birthday. I was in a labor room for a crazy amount of time as Alek decided he wasn’t in any rush to see the outside world, LOL!!! I always say to people that ask about birth photography that I spend more time in a labor room with families than I do with a bride on her wedding day, LOL!!! And it’s true. The struggle this family has gone through to grow is crazy, but it grew. And then it lost. You see, Svetlana is their rainbow baby. After everything they’ve gone through they still didn’t give up. I can’t tell you how happy I was for them when they announced they were expecting.

This past summer my door bell rang and I wasn’t sure who it could be; we hadn’t been expecting anything from an online order. I was stunned and it took me a hot minute to realize whom I was looking at, lol, when I opened the door. It was Brittany. See, they had moved from Ellsworth to Alaska a few years ago and were passing through on their move to Georgia. I cannot even tell you how much it made my year that they’d take the time to stop by, with kids, pets, camper, and all in tow just to say hi!!! What a surprise!!!! She even shared little girl’s name with me. That’s something they don’t usually do until their little has arrived!!! That’s the kind of close you get to some peeps.

Not long after they got settled she messaged me for some recommendations for birth photographers in their local area. I did a little research and sent the links over. They were prepping for a huge trip to Disney with the kids and I hadn’t heard back from her if she’d found anyone. There wasn’t really a huge selection to be honest. I did get a message from Brittany on October 29th. She let me know that they hadn’t looked at the links yet because they’d received some devastating news a few days after I’d sent them and what was I doing in December/January time frame? That message was followed by a copy and paste of what she had sent to family and I’ve shared a couple of the messages that were sent after.

“So being blunt. Fact about Svetlana. She had a MRI Wednesday the 23rd. She has, – brittle bone disease. – cloverleaf skull. – thanatophoric dysplasia. – it is VERY RARE. Nothing can be done. She will not be compatible with life on earth at some point. There is no timeline. We do not know if she will be born alive or sleeping. Our hope is for a live baby to love even if only for a couple hours. We do not know what birth will look like that’s being discussed at a later time with team of specialists for her and I. It’s been repeated over and over Alosha and I did ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong and they believe this is a misfire type of situation. All 3 of us are having genetics tested at a later date. Hers after birth as I refused in utero. Another child is not out of the question when the time is right this has been discussed with us and doctors. We are still processing as mama and daddy so please do NOT call and ask questions, it’s not the time. Our specialist also said TO ENJOY as much as we can possibly enjoy our get away, we’re at Disney World this weekend. Alek and Oksana have not been told they are still very much excited for her. We are figuring that out. We are still very much excited for her, yet heartbroken. And other family has not been told either. We love you guys.”

She messaged me after this message:

“Due to the sensitivity I don’t want a stranger there, I’d want you who I’m comfortable with and the rest of the family and to capture those moments as they may be our very last with her.”

“Alosha I and talked about that this weekend and he agreed he’d want you there.”

You just go . . .

I rescheduled my carpal tunnel surgery for February and now made plans to make my way to Georgia when it was time for Svetlana to be born. Knowing that it was a planned C-section took a little stress off the unknown and fear of not making it in time. But we all know that babies do whatever they want sometimes. So there was a little worry I think, on both ends that Svetlana would decide to come on her own schedule. However, she didn’t. 😉 Thank goodness.

Time just passed and we checked in with each other over the next month and waited to hear back from the doctor about when it was safe for Svetlana and Momma to have her enter the world. And then that message came. The C-section was scheduled for December 23rd.

They booked my flight and I packed. I packed as if I was going to shoot a travel newborn session. Even with all the tests saying otherwise at this point I was still seriously hoping the outcome would be that the doctors had just made a mistake and all would be fine. Over the last month I was seriously thinking about how I would react or feel about the situation. The truth is there was some fear. I had gotten so much information from her and I saw the ultrasound images. You can’t really prepare for something like this though. I can’t even imagine what Brittany and Alosha were feeling. How do you even begin to think about the plans that need to be made for your baby? Svetlana’s brother and sister were so excited to meet her. I don’t think they truly understood what was happening. Alek understood. But Oksana was just so excited.

Travel day arrived and I left out on a 530am flight. They picked me up from the airport on December 22nd, 2024. We went back to the house and hung out for a little bit and then went to dinner. Brittany’s sister arrived late that evening after too. We had an early Monday morning arriving at the hospital at 645am. The thing I think makes all of this surreal is the fact that at dinner I got to feel the baby move. She was safe inside her momma’s belly and I know that if she could have just kept her there forever, she would have.

Nerves. Fear. Excitement. Dread. Happiness. Sadness. Anxiousness. These are just a few of the words that I can think of that this family was feeling. Alosha’s dad joined the family in the labor suite and now it was just hurry up and wait.

The nurses, doctors, and all of the hospital staff were just the best. I can’t even sing their praises enough on how they made things as easy as you can in a situation like this. They literally were there for everything that was needed. I was not planning on being allowed to accompany Brittany and Alosha into the OR. I was totally prepared to just capture what I could when they returned to the room. However the team lead Tammy had said something about me going back with them and I had a little hope. She said she’d talk to whomever makes that decision and then eventually she walked into the room with two of the OR “bunny suits” as they call them and all the scrub gear. Thankful doesn’t even cover how I felt about that. Once they got Brittany’s epidural placed things happened pretty quickly and we were on our way to the OR.

At 1222pm on December 23rd, 2024, Svetlana Jo Cook was born. Weighing 6lbs. 6oz. She was born feeling all the love she could possibly feel and was held by her Momma and Daddy when she went to sleep on her Momma’s chest. She lived, for just a short while. But she lived. When you’re a photographer you have the luxury of hiding behind the camera. But if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that it is OK to cry. There were tears from everyone in that OR. I’m pretty sure of it. I don’t think it really hit me until Oksana met her baby sister for the first time. She just didn’t know.

I’ve found that when you don’t know what to say it’s better to say nothing at all. You just give a hug. “I’m sorry” doesn’t even come close to making anyone feel better. And it shouldn’t. Time won’t make things easier. The loss of a child is an unimaginable thing. And I cannot tell Brittany and Alosha and Alek and Oksana enough how honored I am that they trusted me to document this time for them. I hope that the images I’ve captured will bring some comfort in some way, if possible.

I will never forget Oksana running into the room, right up to that bassinet and saying with excitement: “It’s a baby, I found it! It’s my baby sister.” That sweet little girl knew she was having a baby sister before her momma even knew it. It’s crazy. But it’s true. Some other weird stuff happened in that room too; it even weirded out the nurses, lol!!! Alek, I don’t even know how to describe how he must be/have been feeling. He was so nervous for his momma and her safety. Each of the kids held their baby sister, as did her grandfather, and her aunt. They as a family bathed her and combed her hair. Made friendship bracelets and did hand and foot prints.

Svetlana made the biggest impression on everyone in the short time that she was here. One of the most special things to me from that day, is that I got to hang at the hospital with Brittany for the night and we chatted and had a little girl time, after Alosha and her sister took the kids home.

I have no words. And I probably cried half of the time I was writing this. Thank you Cook Family for allowing me to be a part of your family and for giving me the opportunity to be there when little Svetlana entered this world.